One issue that crops up from time to time is the question of the rights of the biological father when it comes to a decision about abortion. This is a difficult and emotive issue for anyone who finds themselves with an unplanned pregnancy, and many women think it’s better to avoid a confrontation altogether by acting on their decision without consulting the partner at all. This is particularly true of pregnancies that result from an extramarital affair or a relationship that is not likely to be longterm.
In other cases it depends very much on the relationship between the partners, and how much each person’s life is likely to change as a result of the decision. Far beyond the issue of who gets the morning sickness, the backache and the labor pains are the longer term questions: Who will have the responsibility for childcare? Who will cope with the reduced income? Who will have to compromise their career plans? As a rule of thumb, the right of each partner to make the decision will be reflected in the answers to these questions.
It’s not just your own contraceptive choices that force you to face your attitudes to sex. People say children grow up so fast that you turn around one day and they are adults, but it’s not until you witness your own child’s development at point-blank range that you realize the truth of this. The issue of a young person becoming sexually active can be a very confronting experience for a parent.
*54\17\9*
Contrary to the opinion of some of the critics of pro-choice, abortion is not an ‘easy option’. The initial thought may be a reflex reaction to an extremely difficult situation, but it is rarely a decision that is taken lightly. Women will almost always go through doubts and second thoughts, like Angela. ‘When I was younger I always said to myself that if I ever got pregnant there was no way I would have an abortion. I had seen those films of little fetuses and what happens in an abortion and I couldn’t bear the thought. That was until I got pregnant the last time. I didn’t find out until just after my husband had left me (talk about the almost immaculate conception!) and I already had the other two kids to support on my own. Well, on top of all the hassles with divorce lawyers and custody agreements and so on, it was just unthinkable to have another child to bring up, especially because I wouldn’t be able to work for months; I couldn’t make ends meet as it was. Even though I knew it was the only solution for me, it was still one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make.’
All of the reputable abortion clinics have experienced counsellors to help women decide one way or the other. If the pregnancy is not too advanced, they will usually recommend you delay the decision until you have had time to work through the options.
Anyone who has not faced the dilemma of an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy will find it difficult to imagine what a hard choice it can be. Jane is forty and she had a dreadful time with her two pregnancies, spending three months of the last one in hospital with blood pressure problems. ‘I have no idea where we went wrong with the contraception. We thought we had taken all the right precautions. I agonized about what to do. I wouldn’t have minded another baby, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of going through all that again, not with two little ones at home. When I turned up at the clinic there was some sort of demonstration outside. Protesters were shouting at people going into the building and waving signs and some of them were holding up fetuses in glass jars. It was horrible. As if it wasn’t hard enough! I still sometimes wonder whether it would have been a boy or a girl, and what it would have looked like.’
*53\17\9*
There is a popular myth that if you have an unplanned pregnancy it is the result of irresponsible or illicit sexual activity, or a lack of planning. It’s estimated that in up to a half of terminations, the pregnancy was the result of misunderstanding of the contraceptive method or that method’s failure to work even when it was used properly. Having said that, there is a group of people who don’t make the practical link between heterosexual intercourse and pregnancy, even though they know their biology. The ‘it can’t happen to me’ syndrome is well at work here. There are other women who don’t take their fertility seriously until they have an unplanned pregnancy — the ‘I have done it without protection before and I didn’t get pregnant’ school of thought. It’s easy to be lulled into a false sense of security.
The trouble with withdrawal is that it doesn’t account for the estimated seventy percent of men who produce some fluid before they orgasm, the so-called ‘pre-ejaculate’, and the fact that this fluid can contain enough sperm to result in a pregnancy. Nor does it account for accidental loss of control in the heat of the moment.
*52\17\9*
There are other situations that you think are safe until you have the whole story. Like the fact that diaphragms don’t work in the bathroom drawer. Actually, diaphragms raise an interesting point. There are a lot of women who feel very uncomfortable about touching themselves in the genital area and many who are not familiar with their normal anatomy. Every so often someone asks me to check out a lump they discovered in their vagina, usually when a tampon has been inserted, and the concern” is that it might be something nasty like a cancer. What these women have discovered is their cervix, the bottom end of the uterus, which you can usually feel about a finger-length inside the vagina. Anyone wanting to use a diaphragm needs to know where the cervix is and what it feels like because you have to check that the diaphragm is covering the cervix for it to be effective. It takes a certain degree of familiarity with your body, and even then it can take a bit of practice to get it right.
Family planning experts say that more women need to know about the ‘morning after pill’, more accurately named the ‘panic pill’ because it can be taken up to three days after unprotected intercourse. There are objections in some quarters to this form of contraception, usually from people with a very punitive and judgmental approach to life. Their argument is that if you are not responsible enough to arrange your contraception before you have sex then you should have to suffer the consequences. Although it is not recommended as a routine form of contraception, if intercourse does happen without any contraceptive protection, or if a condom breaks, it is worth knowing about this method because it does reduce the risk of pregnancy. There is nothing exceptional about the ‘pill’ at all. It is simply a regular contraceptive pill which is normally taken once a day as a routine. In the case of a ‘panic’ or ‘morning after’ situation, you take several pills a day for a few days. Your doctor can tell you exactly what to do. It is a high dose, but only over a short time. Some women get nauseated though, so they may need to take something to help. A scare like that is usually enough to make you think about your contraception and adapt it to your needs.
*51\17\9*
Before any sort of sexual interaction with another person, it’s a good idea to find out all you can about sexually transmitted diseases so you can avoid them. Before heterosexual intercourse it is imperative that you know how pregnancy starts, so that if you choose not to have a baby you can avoid that too.
Sharing the responsibility for contraception and choosing what’s right for you and your partner is a part of sexual communication. Contraception means facing your sexuality together and talking honestly about what you want.
There is this myth that it is the responsibility of the woman not to get pregnant. Well, she can only ever be responsible for half of the genetic material that goes to make a pregnancy. This means men taking full responsibility for their own genetic material. One of the important things we need to learn is that, just as good sex takes two people giving each other mutual pleasure, reliable contraception takes two people to talk about the alternatives.
Contraceptive needs change according to your life situation and the state of your relationship. Choosing the type of contraception that suits you at any particular time depends on your age, the state of your relationship, and your future plans. Are you planning a baby in twelve months? Do you want children at all? How old is your partner? Do you have more than one partner?
You need to know how reliable the different forms of contraception are, and exactly how to use them. I am continually astounded at the number of women who take the Pill every day, yet could not tell anyone which one they are on. ‘Oh you know, the one in the gold pack with three different colored pills. I don’t know, I just take it.’
Knowing the pitfalls is part of understanding your contraception; being aware, for example, that if you miss just one Pill, especially near the beginning or the end of the pack, you can get pregnant. The same goes for vomiting it up or, in the case of diarrhea, not giving it time to be absorbed into your system. One interesting new method of contraception that overcomes a lot of these difficulties is the vaginal ring, or ‘the Pill you don’t have to take.’ It is a firm, rubbery ring about five centimeters in diameter that contains (I was going to say, ‘ … is impregnated with’) the same hormones that make up the oral contraceptive Pill. This is inserted into the vagina where it stays for three weeks out of every four and is then replaced. It constantly releases the hormones into the system. If it passes all the scientific tests they are doing, it should prove very popular because it is so easy.
*49\17\9*