Perhaps the most common sexual worry for women is that they don’t reach orgasm from intercourse: as already mentioned, 5 to 80 per cent of women (depending on whose statistics are quoted) admit to this.
In the past women have been taught to think that the only ‘right’ or ‘good’ orgasm is one that results from penile thrusting in the vagina. Freud is responsible for this notion, which has now been disproved. An orgasm that follows any erotic stimulation, whether from a partner or masturbation, is just as ‘right’ as one resulting only from penile thrusting in the vagina. However, many men have learnt that women ’should’ reach orgasm purely from penile thrusting, and feel inadequate (or that there’s something wrong with the woman!) if this doesn’t happen. Many women also want or prefer orgasm during intercourse. Why do so many women find it hard to achieve?
To start with, you must be sufficiently aroused before intercourse begins. Some couples neglect to make sure about this. The clitoris is believed to be the most powerful source of arousal. Then if during intercourse you don’t progress to the plateau stage so that the constricted lower vagina grips the penis, there may be insufficient tension on the clitoral hood and thus not enough stimulation from penile thrusting alone. Less commonly, a woman who reaches the plateau phase may not be able to grip the penis tightly enough because her pelvic-floor muscles have been severely damaged during childbirth.
This problem can be overcome by prolonging foreplay to ensure you’re highly aroused before penetration, and, if needed, by you or your partner providing additional stimulation during intercourse to the clitoris or wherever works best for you. Some women can manage just by finding a position that gives them more genital stimulation. Others do the trick by concentrating on erotic fantasies.
Most of us are shy and reticent about asking for what we want in sex, especially if we’ve been taught that it’s ‘bad’. It can be hard to ask your partner to wait before entry or to provide extra stimulation during intercourse, and so many of us (including our partners) feel so guilty about masturbation that we can’t bring ourselves to do it if anyone else is present, even a lover. Others feel bad about asking for a different position (particularly if it’s less satisfactory for the man) or fantasizing during sex with a partner.
You can’t expect your partner to know instinctively what stimulation gives you pleasure. Most men say that they would like some help and feedback from their partner rather than fumbling ‘in the dark’. You needn’t give verbal directions. You can direct your partner’s hand with yours to where, how and how much stimulation excites you best.
Most women can learn to reach orgasm from intercourse. It’s largely a matter of good communication and a sharing of the joys of sex – the problem is rarely physical. If you have no success from your own efforts, see a sexual therapist.
There’s another problem that can result from lack of orgasm. If you become aroused but don’t proceed to orgasm, resolution won’t be triggered and all the congestion and muscle tension won’t be released. This leaves you feeling uncomfortable, unsatisfied and restless – particularly maddening if your partner is snoring blissfully beside you. If this happens over and over, the build-up of congestion can lead to chronic pelvic discomfort or pain. The cure for this problem is for you or your partner to make sure that you go through the full sexual response cycle after arousal.
A small proportion of women say that they’ve never had an orgasm. Is this a danger to their health or relationships? Opinion remains divided. Some experts feel sure that there are women who are quite satisfied sexually without orgasm. Others state equally strongly that missing out on orgasm is harmful. My opinion is that lack of orgasm is only a problem if it worries you.
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Adolescents are generally under more stress than adults, and they have less experience behind them for coping with pressure. Some young people can take all this in their stride, but many have some pretty rough times.
You read a lot about stress these days, mostly telling you to avoid it. But you can’t avoid it, and not all stress is bad. For example, that nervous tension before an exam or sporting contest can drive you to do better than you would without it. Most of us need pressure to achieve what we want to do.
Bad stress is the constant, prolonged worry or pressure to do things we can’t handle. This builds up to anxiety, which can make you physically and emotionally ill. Anxiety causes the release of too much adrenalin, which can give you a pounding heartbeat, dry mouth, butterflies in the stomach, cold sweats and a panicky feeling that everything is closing in on you. Increased muscle tension can lead to headaches, abdominal pain and backaches. Prolonged anxiety can have more harmful effects when it suppresses the immune system, thus increasing susceptibility to infections and other illnesses, and an increased tendency to accidental injury (because your attention is on your worries and not on taking care).
During adolescence you become aware of the wider world you live in which, compared to the security of childhood, is full of uncertainty, conflict and competition. The media emphasize the bad news. Recession! Crime! Corruption! Disease! War! Riot! Disaster! Everything changes so fast. It’s no comfort that you’re about to enter this chaotic world.
Adolescents are also under pressure from conflicts about what they want and what the rest of the world wants of them. For example, you need to become independent but you also need the support and approval of your parents; the need to express yourself as an individual conflicts with pressure to be one of the gang; the need to compete with your friends may go against your need for them to like you.
Also, you’re getting mixed or confused messages about community values, personal integrity, sex roles and sexuality. Then there’s always the usual hassles with parents, teachers, friends and boyfriends. To top it off, there’s educational pressure and the need to make important decisions about your career. After training you might find your ambition sabotaged by unemployment.
No wonder so many adolescents have a tough time! Fortunately most survive, but about one in ten adolescents develop emotional or psychiatric problems. Some teenagers seem to be more at risk:
• those who experience serious losses or other traumas, such as losing a parent through death or separation; rejection by parents and peers; having parents who are alcoholic or chronically ill; or those who experience emotional, physical or sexual abuse
• those living in difficult circumstances such as remote areas or institutions, and the homeless
• those who are different because of disability, homosexuality, race, ethnic group or religion.
However, teenagers who seem to ‘have it all’ can also become mentally ill.
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Acupuncture arose from the ancient Chinese philosophy of Taoism. One of it teachings is that healthy life is a balance between two opposing but complementary forces, yin and yang, that influence everything in the world. Yin forces (also called female or negative) are passive am calming, and include moon, earth, darkness, coolness, moisture and stillness Yang forces (male or positive) are aggressive and stimulating, and include sun, sky light, heat, dryness and movement.
Another basic concept of acupuncture is belief in a life force or vital energy, called ch’i, that maintains a healthful balance in living things. Ch’i is believed to circulate in our bodies along precise pathways called meridians. Anything that disturbs the flow, amount or quality of ch’i in the meridians can result in ill health.
In acupuncture, needles are inserted through the skin to stimulate certain points along the meridians so that ch’i energy will be attracted to a deficient area, dispersed from an area of excess and released if the flow is blocked.
Acupuncturists diagnose the imbalances by taking a full health history, making observations (such as skin colour, voice, posture, tongue appearance) and by feeling the pulses.
Acupressure This is based on the same principles but uses pressure instead of needles over the meridian points.
Shiatsu This Japanese technique uses vigorous massage over the vital points. Shiatsu wasn’t a therapy until the twentieth century: before this it was a home treatment for the relief of pain, muscle tension and fatigue, with the know-how being passed down through generations so that family members could help each other. Japanese children still give their parents Shiatsu to restore energy after a hard day’s work.
The use of plants for healing is as old as history, and herbalism is the parent of modem pharmacology. The majority of today’s drugs were previously used as plant extracts: for example aspirin from willow bark, narcotic analgesics from poppies, digitalis from foxglove. However, now that therapeutic plant chemicals have been isolated and their chemical structure identified, they are often synthesized by pharmaceutical companies because it is cheaper to do so and results in a purer product for more accurate dosage. Plants contain many powerful chemicals that are active in humans and other animals. Some plants contain multiple drugs, and some of these aren’t yet identified – a potential danger when whole plant extracts are used.
Like pharmaceutical products, herbal remedies can have side-effects and be toxic in overdose. And remember that many plants contain poisons. Any farmer or vet can tell you about animal illness and death resulting from eating toxic plants. ‘Natural’ doesn’t always mean ’safe’. However, herbalists are generally well trained, knowledgeable, caring and responsible, and are aware of possible toxic effects of some plants. Their diagnoses are based on taking very detailed health and social histories, and remedies are prepared or chosen to treat the immediate problem and promote future health.
Herbal products that you can buy in shops are safe if taken according to the manufacturer’s advice. Their manufacture and sale are now monitored by federal health authorities.
Two therapies are closely related to herbalism.
Aromatherapy Essential oils from plants (these oils give plants their smell) are used in this therapy. Aromatherapists believe that the oils have medicinal properties. They are used in baths, rubbed into the skin (usually as part of massage) or inhaled. Except for when they are used in the bath, the oils must always be diluted according to the therapist’s directions: otherwise they can burn skin or the lining of the airways.
Bach Flower Remedies These 38 preparations of plant extracts are taken by mouth in a very diluted form. Though the remedies are used to treat illness, they are selected and blended for each individual according to the patient’s emotional state.
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